Happy Fathers Day

Recently I read a blog from a friend who shared some of her experiences with her father.  Her memories felt warm and inspiring.

It would have been nice to have that kind of relationship with mine.  Reading it activated the files of memories I still carry.  Let's just say...my experience was paved on a much more rockier road than hers. 

I experienced two faces growing up; one appearing quiet, strong and gentle; the other angry and violent.  Reconciling those two faces over the course of my life has been extremely challenging at times.  As his daughter I adored him with all my heart; when he was sober.

when I was five (dad holding my hands)

He shared at one time that he was the one who picked my name. It's interesting how we can at times embody the energies of names given to us; as my first and middle name mean, "strong and happy".

As a five and six year old, I can remember golfing with him and he letting me try to be his caddy.  I also remember going to an office bldg and coloring on old computer paper, the ones with holes down both sides, while waiting for him to complete whatever he went to do there in the first place.  I loved tagging along with him whenever he let me.

I also remember wishing to be a boy at times because I figured he'd share more info with me.  I remember peppering him with questions about how things worked in regards to his tinkering with cars, or how he knew just the right amount of paint to use on a wall, or how much strength it took to drive in a nail, during the years he worked on houses.  He was patient in his answers and it made me feel special that he would take his time working with my extreme inquisitiveness.  

Yet, in many other ways he was a complete stranger; not a man who spoke a lot overall throughout my childhood.  He worked as a flight engineer in the military so was out of town a lot, yet upon arriving home, usually on the first night, he and my mother would usually end up fighting; which had me feeling fearful and anxious; most especially when he came home after drinking.

I pushed him hard as a teen, as the chaos in our home led me into entering foster care.  Visits with him were painful because the elephant in room, the emotional and physical abuse, the alcoholism, were never addressed; rather, conversations centered on the embarrassment and pain I was causing the family by living in someone elses home rather than theirs.

He was completely uncomfortable with any attempt to confront the issues, as he was raised with the cliche', "children are seen and not heard", therefore confronting him about anything was a sign of disrespect.

Never once did either of my parents deal with the core issues behind my being in foster care in a healthy manner.  It took over 25 years before I felt strong enough to began taking the steps to healing the past memories, as well as learn how to trust that authentic, healthy love wasn't either a total myth or slap in the face.

The biggest challenge I faced as an adult was trusting that if I truly opened up to another, revealing all the private, painful aspects experienced as a child and teen, I wouldn't end up being abandoned or betrayed by them.  The process to debunk this myth took a bit longer to accomplish.

Even writing this blog today, a small aspect of my inner child felt a bit hesitant, questioning the value of sharing such a mixed bag of tricks in regards to the celebration of father's day.

The value is found in expressing the "rest" of the story.  Omission doesn't offer opportunity to disclose all the immeasurable gifts that came by of activating an intense desire to heal and reclaim my power over the events that had taken place with my father.

I know that to honor my wholeness of being is to honor both the light and shadow aspects, thus the mixed bag of tricks.  In conversations with others over the years, also became aware I wasn't the only daughter in the world with a father uncomfortable talking about the "elephants in the room".

The rest of the story is that I can authentically celebrate crossing the bridge from victim to victor in my relationship with him.

Rather than those experiences blowing me completely apart, they opened the door to having a loving relationship with my own divine and powerful essence.  Wrapped in that divine essence came the realization that true love is much wider and deeper than what transpired in my human role as a daughter of a man who struggled with intense, emotional sensitivities and alcohol addiction; in front of me.

This realization helped cleanse and release the wounds carrying a lot of baggage activated over the years, ones not only encountered in relationship with him, yet also with other men. In addition, this realization attracted the spiritual steps of creating ways to intuitively trust myself towards experiencing healthy, healing boundaries in all relationships with others.

Although I don't agree with the lifestyle my father has currently chosen to experience, I can authentically say I love him for helping me become the kind of parent my children enjoy being around.

Happy Fathers Day to you, Dad.

To those other men who understand the tremendous gift and value your role has with your children, much love and appreciation...I salute you!

Namaste...til next time!