Happy Fathers Day

Recently I read a blog from a friend who shared some of her experiences with her father.  Her memories felt warm and inspiring.

It would have been nice to have that kind of relationship with mine.  Reading it activated the files of memories I still carry.  Let's just say...my experience was paved on a much more rockier road than hers. 

I experienced two faces growing up; one appearing quiet, strong and gentle; the other angry and violent.  Reconciling those two faces over the course of my life has been extremely challenging at times.  As his daughter I adored him with all my heart; when he was sober.

when I was five (dad holding my hands)

He shared at one time that he was the one who picked my name. It's interesting how we can at times embody the energies of names given to us; as my first and middle name mean, "strong and happy".

As a five and six year old, I can remember golfing with him and he letting me try to be his caddy.  I also remember going to an office bldg and coloring on old computer paper, the ones with holes down both sides, while waiting for him to complete whatever he went to do there in the first place.  I loved tagging along with him whenever he let me.

I also remember wishing to be a boy at times because I figured he'd share more info with me.  I remember peppering him with questions about how things worked in regards to his tinkering with cars, or how he knew just the right amount of paint to use on a wall, or how much strength it took to drive in a nail, during the years he worked on houses.  He was patient in his answers and it made me feel special that he would take his time working with my extreme inquisitiveness.  

Yet, in many other ways he was a complete stranger; not a man who spoke a lot overall throughout my childhood.  He worked as a flight engineer in the military so was out of town a lot, yet upon arriving home, usually on the first night, he and my mother would usually end up fighting; which had me feeling fearful and anxious; most especially when he came home after drinking.

I pushed him hard as a teen, as the chaos in our home led me into entering foster care.  Visits with him were painful because the elephant in room, the emotional and physical abuse, the alcoholism, were never addressed; rather, conversations centered on the embarrassment and pain I was causing the family by living in someone elses home rather than theirs.

He was completely uncomfortable with any attempt to confront the issues, as he was raised with the cliche', "children are seen and not heard", therefore confronting him about anything was a sign of disrespect.

Never once did either of my parents deal with the core issues behind my being in foster care in a healthy manner.  It took over 25 years before I felt strong enough to began taking the steps to healing the past memories, as well as learn how to trust that authentic, healthy love wasn't either a total myth or slap in the face.

The biggest challenge I faced as an adult was trusting that if I truly opened up to another, revealing all the private, painful aspects experienced as a child and teen, I wouldn't end up being abandoned or betrayed by them.  The process to debunk this myth took a bit longer to accomplish.

Even writing this blog today, a small aspect of my inner child felt a bit hesitant, questioning the value of sharing such a mixed bag of tricks in regards to the celebration of father's day.

The value is found in expressing the "rest" of the story.  Omission doesn't offer opportunity to disclose all the immeasurable gifts that came by of activating an intense desire to heal and reclaim my power over the events that had taken place with my father.

I know that to honor my wholeness of being is to honor both the light and shadow aspects, thus the mixed bag of tricks.  In conversations with others over the years, also became aware I wasn't the only daughter in the world with a father uncomfortable talking about the "elephants in the room".

The rest of the story is that I can authentically celebrate crossing the bridge from victim to victor in my relationship with him.

Rather than those experiences blowing me completely apart, they opened the door to having a loving relationship with my own divine and powerful essence.  Wrapped in that divine essence came the realization that true love is much wider and deeper than what transpired in my human role as a daughter of a man who struggled with intense, emotional sensitivities and alcohol addiction; in front of me.

This realization helped cleanse and release the wounds carrying a lot of baggage activated over the years, ones not only encountered in relationship with him, yet also with other men. In addition, this realization attracted the spiritual steps of creating ways to intuitively trust myself towards experiencing healthy, healing boundaries in all relationships with others.

Although I don't agree with the lifestyle my father has currently chosen to experience, I can authentically say I love him for helping me become the kind of parent my children enjoy being around.

Happy Fathers Day to you, Dad.

To those other men who understand the tremendous gift and value your role has with your children, much love and appreciation...I salute you!

Namaste...til next time!

Trusting Your Gut may not be easy at times, yet it's worth the treasures gained in the end

I recently had a one on one "reading" with someone who validates insightful information I know is sitting inside seeking a voice; usually it's something I'm still on the fence about, for some reason or another. 

The reading led to making a decision that feels totally in sync with my purpose. In making this choice I put myself back in the drivers seat of creative, financial options, absent a fear or trepidation in moving in this direction.  Hallelujah!!!

A short detour.  About a year ago, in attempting to venture out towards an entire new direction, the walls I metaphorically smacked into seemed to to be saying, "danger, danger, the door to this pathway is tightly closed; don't go any further".  Uh Oh!

Except...the door closed was actually one of my own making.  I wasn't fully trusting my own, divine intuitive guidance in this scenario; as with being a new path, my legs were still young and wobbly.

So rather than continuing onward and upward I quickly retreated.  In allowing the outer noise of my financial world to dictate the options, on impulse I chose what seemed to be the easiest way out; or so I made up....

Within 4 months of manifesting money this way, my soul began feeling parched and listless.  I traded  fearless faith in alignment with my souls purpose for a "logical" course of action; only to find it was literally choking my inner essence in a slow, painful lingering dance of death.

My professional life became creatively bankrupt as the job is seriously left brain, therefore it leaves little room for intuitive, creative expansion and growth of any kind.

I found myself tuning out the magical essence that flows when trusting my gut.  I found myself trying to go around the gap being created in my heart, rather than dealing with it head on.

I made up how'd it'd be just too painful to face head on; as facing it meant consciously acknowledging how "my lack of trust and faith in who I am" put me in this box in the first place.

Instead I superficially attempted to make little shifts that would keep me in the comfort zone by scouring the internet for a different box - thinking, "perhaps I could trade this box in for a bigger or brighter one.  Nope...came the answer through the doors that continued to stay closed.

Alrightee!!! What is up, I was saying to my higher self, "you and I both know how easy it is to manifest what my heart desires in a pretty quick turnaround, SO...what is the real deal here???

Four little letters re-surfaced again...same dance, different song...F.E.A.R of going out on a limb and jumping in with both feet, 100% fully committed towards experiencing what truly makes my heart sing...for...joy.

Add some impatience for results to that mix and out comes a cookie cutter rendition completely opposite of what had been an enriching gorgeous landscape filled with the creative process of experiencing gracious, divine trust and appreciation for all that is; regardless of the circumstances.

On a side note, below is a nugget of wisdom I'm slow to grasp until metaphorically smacking a wall.

In the driver's seat of life, I always...get to choose...whether things will be smooth, or rough; whether things will be easy, or hard.  The Divine Intelligence of All that flows, I believe, gave each soul this nifty resourceful tool in regards to human "free will".

And with this free will option, so too comes matching circumstances.  As long as I open myself up to play the game of living in a box lined with fear and impatience, the elements of fear and impatience will continue to reside in the box of circumstances that show up as a result.

Back to the reading that led to my current decision.  I learned why the door opened up to that career detour and because of that nugget of wisdom was able to release it fully; in love and appreciation to my highest best.

And, was reminded, again, that divine wisdom graciously flows through each and every breath of life in loving service to our heart's desires; therefore the responsibility of creating a life that actualizes my highest potential, or not, literally rests on my shoulders; regardless of present day circumstances.

I decided to surrender the professional box that was never really going to acknowledge or validate my purpose on the planet; especially since it wasn't set up to do that in the first place.  That's my responsiblity.

The moral of the story.  Sometimes taking the road less traveled can appear to be a bumpy ride, at times totally turned upside down; especially if you find yourself driving forward in completely unchartered territory without a familiar roadmap.  This process at times can shake the very rafters of all that seemed safe and comforting.

Yet, in the midst of these transitions, wonder if by choosing to listen to your higher self, you find a delightful co-driver in the passenger seat?  A very wise, insightful companion, carrying the perfect essentials necessary, to shine light on all the unknown aspects, in perfect sychronicity with the reasons you opted to drive this pathway in the first place. 

What doors would you find yourself opening then?

Of course free will gives the option on driving down a path that feels safe, familiar and comfy.

Yet if in making that choice wonder if it's one that ends up costing the freedom to fully spread our wings in order to actualize the limitless, authentic potential lovingly offered our bodies through each breath of life.

Don't know about you, but with all I put myself through this past year, deciding to take the road less traveled feels creatively free and unfettered - outside the box of any one desiring to place any kind of control over what I can and cannot do with my valuable time and energy.  It feels good to be back in the drivers seat.

Much love and appreciation to ALL who choose to "trust their vibes" regardless of appearances.  You are the Unsung Heroes dancing merrily along the Road Less Traveled!

Namaste....til next time!